Do You Have One? Our Well-Being Depends On It: The Importance of a Third Place
These spaces are not our home or workplace. They are spaces essential for us, and society, to thrive. Why?
They gathered at The Central Perk. We saw the “Friends”, on most weeks, sitting there together, sometimes in lively conversation, sometimes simply sitting alongside in silence, but still together. We came to know other regulars there, such as Rachel’s biggest fan, Gunther, who worked at the Perk.
And we all came to know the choral cheer of, “Norm!”, as he entered Sam Malone’s bar on “Cheers”, and we knew on which barstool he and Cliff would sit.
Even Little House on the Prairie had this kind of social, gathering spot, in the Oleson family’s General Store. And of course, on Sesame Street, I can picture Mr. Hooper’s store, as well as the iconic “stoops”, for gathering and connecting.
Each of these spots is an example of a “third place”, and besides being social hubs in the neighbourhood, they are, perhaps surprisingly, vital to our ability to thrive.
Not JUST a Gathering Place
Most of us have two places where we belong and can be ourselves: our home and where we work. Even if we work from home, most of us connect with some of those we work with, or clients we do work for, virtually or occasionally in person.
But do we have a “third place”? Many of us do not, anymore. Decades ago, it was more typical for us to have them.
A third place is one that the urban sociologist, Ray Oldenburg, coined as being a space that is both public and informal. Other characteristics of a third place are that they are neutral spaces (everyone is welcome), often with playful atmospheres of ease, that have a regular clientele, and are low or no cost. There are no barriers to entrance or membership. People are free to connect and converse, without the burdens or worries they may carry, from home (their 1st place) or work (their 2nd place).
There are accessible, equitable places meant for association, connection, dialogue, friendship, enjoyment, ease and support. They can be a coffee house, a pub, a town square, a park, a main street or a grocery store – anywhere people are free to gather and can engage together.
Oldenburg says that third places are fundamental to democracy and to the thriving of communities.
More than simply gathering places, they provide accessible opportunities for connection and belonging, and connection and belonging are good for us. There are many emotional, social and physical health benefits that we gain from connecting with others, of course.
In fact, the world’s longest study on happiness in life, has shown that the most important factor to our levels of overall well-being and living a long and healthy life, is not our diet, the frequency of our exercise, the amount of money we make, or the achievements we amass. The researchers found: “one thing continuously demonstrates its broad and enduring importance: Good relationships.”
Where Are They Now?
Not to blame it all on technology, but before in-home conveniences like television, and even radio, one had to leave the home to find entertainment, or to get the news or gossip. Folks would gather and share stories as well as entertain each other, in public spaces such as town halls and centres, local watering holes, libraries and parks. Many of which were free to attend, open to all, and structured to provide comfort and ease and connection.
Now, we need not leave our home to get the news, be entertained, or hear the gossip. Our devices provide these things for us.
It is also common now, that many of us are not even going to a workplace anymore, to partake in the proverbial water cooler conversations.
Covid shone a light on how much we rely on and look forward to frequenting these places, and the opportunities they provide for us to connect.
We deeply felt the absence of our public spaces and our ability to gather. Propelled by the need to continue to gather, many of us found creative ways to be together outside, when we couldn’t be together inside. It is an innate need in us:
“We all know that humans are social creatures. But our drive to connect with other people and form relationships is not just a whimsical motivation or casual coincidence. Social connection is a basic human need that is essential to our overall health and wellbeing [1-4]. It is as important as food, water, and shelter when it comes to laying the foundation for our ability to thrive and survive.”
In our neighbourhood, for example, every family at our end of the street (9 of them!) who had a house with a carport, bought a dart board. We gathered together outside on Fridays, for dart games and dinners outside, each family with their own table, as we ordered from small, local restaurants to feed us all, and to support these small businesses during Covid. We bonded so deeply and we had so much fun.
It seems that in many neighbourhoods today, there is not a central gathering place, like the village pub or the town square. Instead, we see single use, rather than multi-use communities, and that means, if it is a neighbourhood of single family homes, for example, there may not be a public space for folks to gather. This forces inhabitants to drive to another neighbourhood if they want to gather in a no-cost or low-cost, welcoming, public space. Factors such as zoning, are one of the realities that have made a big difference.
The Impact of Having (and Not Having) a Third Place
The benefits to us from having a third place are many. Through the opportunities to connect, as I have written before, we gain greater perspectives, which can lead to broadening our understanding and building our empathy for others. Our mood is boosted from these social interactions, and opportunities expand: these new connections can lead to more folks in our support systems, and new pathways to pursue in our work lives.
And our universal need to belong? These true third places are places in which we know we are always welcome. The sense of belonging, and that we can be ourselves, are important factors in our life satisfaction.
“Just as harbouring a healthy sense of belonging can lead to many positive life outcomes, feeling as though one does not belong is robustly associated with a lack of meaning and purpose, increased risk for experiencing mental and physical health problems, and reduced longevity.”
I have written, in other pieces, about the former US Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, and his declaration that there is an epidemic of loneliness in the US. within his compelling final prescription to America, he says:
“Loneliness and isolation represent profound threats to our health and well-being. But we have the power to respond. By taking small steps every day to strengthen our relationships, and by supporting community efforts to rebuild social connection, we can rise to meet this moment together. We can build lives and communities that are healthier and happier.”
Dr. Vivek Murthy
I recently came across a foundation called: The US Chamber of Connection. They explain that research shows there are 6 Key Needs for personal and societal well-being.
Before reading them, I was wondering what they would be, as this is my area of interest and expertise. Mostly, I fared quite well when comparing their list to the realities in my life, but there was one of the 6, that I knew I didn’t have fully realized.
It was “having a third space”.
When we moved here only a year ago, I have to admit, the top of my list of must-haves was a backyard: my own green space for relaxing, gardening, sitting and writing, having friends and family over. My husband’s top must-have was a double garage. Not for parking, but for working on his motorcycles.
I think we took having a front yard for granted. We have both always lived in houses and hadn’t really thought twice about not having one. But now, as townhouse owners, we are both understanding why having a front yard, or at least a porch, is so advantageous.
I realized after a few months here, that much of the reason I hadn't met any neighbours, was actually because we didn’t have a front yard anymore. None of the homes in our development do.
When I think about when I ended up chatting with neighbours in our old neighbourhood, it was when we were out in the front, and they were walking by (or vice versa). It was when we were washing our car, or planting new flowers, or weeding the garden, or mowing the lawn, or even working in the garage, as the door opened to the street and our driveway.
We also met folks when we were walking to other neighbours’ homes (homes of neighbours we had become close friends with), as we were on our way to a dinner, or when walking our dog, and we passed them in their front yards.
Front yards and front porches. In some neighbourhoods they are a thing of the past. These things of the past were often the main vehicles to connection.
The Gifts of a Third Place
Luckily, I do belong to a kind of adopted third place. It is my dad’s neighbourhood.
I go there every other day (my sister and I alternate) to visit and bring him dinner, as he has mid stages of Alzheimer’s and still lives on his own. Because I am there so often, I think it helps fill my need for a space like this, as it is almost like I live there.
He lives on the main street of my former city, about 30 minutes from here (Side note: here in Canada we measure distance by how long the drive is! Do you do that? I think it is because the country is so massive, perhaps? My husband is from England, and If you drove for 30 minutes, you’d be in another county, and the accents would be different! In England they talk about how many miles away a place is. We never do that. It is always in time periods, like minutes or hours.).
Our daily visits with him consist of checking in, sometimes doing a crossword puzzle and then chores that need to be done (such as laundry or emptying the dishwasher), going out for a walk, past the coffee house, hair salon, dollar store and several other shops, to the grocery store and Dairy Queen, which are one block away. He plays the piano from his EZ-play, song book of standards from the 50’s-70’s, each presented in over-sized notes, and we tidy up, make sure he’s taken his meds, and warm the dinner we brought that day.
The third place we share with our dad, is the street itself. His apartment complex is on the corner of two main streets in the centre of the downtown of his small city.
Because of our daily walks, and everything he needs is within walking distance, we have come to know the shopkeepers and the staff at several shops very well. We know their names and bits and pieces about their lives. As we pass each shop window, the workers mouth hello and smile at my dad. The ladies in the hair salon energetically wave through the storefront window as we go by – each of them having cut my dad’s hair and trimmed his wayward eyebrows, several times now.
Our two main destinations are the small grocery store, Fresh Mart and the Dairy Queen. We go to one or both every single day, as my dad eats a very few, but very specific set of things. We calculate that besides his daily cup of Sanka and a bit of Cheerios in the morning, one blueberry muffin with scads of margarine AND peanut butter along with a cup of tea for lunch, he also consumes three ginger ales, and three Dilly Bars, every day.
Every day.
That means we have come to know the staff at Fresh Mart and the Dairy Queen very well.
I have written about this delightful little community before, here. It really is a lifeline to my dad, and many others. Fred, the coffee house owner, is another major force in my dad’s and our lives. He came to Canada from Iran about 10 years ago, and is full of boisterous energy and kindness. He comes out to chat with my sister or me, and my dad, whenever we go by, asking how we are, mentioning something in the news the day before, and asking my dad about his piano playing. His coffee shop is a bustling place with a large regular clientele and is truly a gathering spot, centered on the main floor of my dad’s apartment building.
Even though it is a big commitment to be with my dad for a few hours every other day, every time I spend time, I feel the difference in my mood. I feel better. I know some of it is because I am helping my dad, of course, but some of the mood boost comes from the little interactions we have along the street as we walk.
Sometimes it is just the smile and the wave, and sometimes it is a little chat, from John the Bench Guy, as we call him (who is almost always stationed kind of splayed across the wooden bench outside the hair salon), Shelly, Autumn or Richard (one of the clerks at Fresh Mart), or one of the other folks who live in his building, such as Ree, Lora, Matt or Gigi.
Our interactions are kind and playful, and they are of no cost to my dad, but yet have plenty of value. Priceless, even.
Check the List
The US Chamber of Connection is dedicated to fighting the epidemic of loneliness we face today. They say the greatest issue for our society, in fact, is our lack of connection. They create and support myriad projects and programs which focus on building and sustaining connection and they state that there are 6 key needs for our individual, and society’s, well-being:
1. Having a neighborhood emergency contact
2. Joining an identity-based community
3. Connecting with a friend or family member at least twice a week
4. Finding your third place to be in the community
5. Joining an activity-based community
6. Volunteering in the community
This is essentially what my Substack and podcast is about. I am often seen by colleagues in my field as an expert in community development and engagement, as I have worked in the field for decades, and I speak, present and write about what we need to be happier, healthier and more connected. This list made me pause and rethink a few priorities in my life, however.
I do feel a member of my dad’s little community, but I am going to continue working on creating some kind of public, free, neutral, playful, relaxed, venue for regular meet-ups closer to where I live. I need a third place in my own neighbourhood.
One thing that I am doing is having a second block party in the next several weeks. After about 5 months of meeting no one in our new home, I decided to put my community-promoting money where my mouth was. I reached out to the neighbours to say we would love to meet them, for them to bring their kids and a chair, and we could just hang out together in the street in front of our place. Nine families came, and I hope for a few more this time, or at least more time with the folks I met on that one occasion. Some of the folks who came said they had lived there for years, but had never met a soul.
This next one will be nothing fancy, just an invite to all, simple activities like chalk and bubbles for the kids, a few tables and lawn chairs out in front of our place, and invitation for folks to bring a chair, a drink and some finger foods to munch on – and name tags.
If we have two or three a year, I figure we might be able to almost replicate the concept of a third place, in a neighbourhood with no public spaces, like shops or pubs, or even front yards.
We can be creative. We need to be.
We do have the little playgrounds I mentioned, though. There are lots of trees and one or two benches in both of them. Perhaps I’ll try some meet-ups there on Sunday mornings? Bring a coffee and have a chat? We’ll see. I’ll keep you posted.
What is your third space?
Do you have the other 5 things on the list?
Do you find you and your family gather differently since Covid? Have your habits changed because of it?
Thanks so much for reading. I hope you subscribe. I’d love you to join me on growing good in us and around us. there are almost 200 of you and I am so thrilled and honoured that you take the time to read my words.
Let’s grow some good together!
Thank you for this interesting article. Our lifestyle as a human collective has changed and will keep on changing, and it's important to keep our eyes on elements that contribute to our wellbeing. I honestly find this list of 6 things quite challenging to check off, especially when you live in a country that isn't your own, with the working rhythms that unfortunately tend to be the norm. But I'll keep them in mind, and try to make progress. Progress is good.