Finally: Seeking the Ease of Belonging, and the Letting Go of Fitting In
Planting Seeds: When Friendship Is Real
It took me long enough to come to this, but I am not doing it anymore. I am not exerting the effort to try to fit in.
When I was younger, fitting in was a top priority. Many of us, as teens and young adults, long to fit in with our peers and to be part of the group. For me, this pursuit lasted far longer than just those coming-of-age years. It was only in recent years that I began to feel comfortable with who I was shaping up to be. Looking back, I wonder if because I didn’t really know myself, I continued to want to be like someone else, as it was easier to watch and copy and adopt, than to reflect and be brave enough to show up authentically. I guess my thinking was that if I was being just like someone else who seemed to be accepted by those around them, it was likely I would be accepted, as well.
As young adults, we are often trying to be the version of ourselves that we have been told we should be, or that we have been shown we should be, based on those around us, and those we saw as representative of us in pop culture and the expectations of the times. Some of us, of course, were not even able to see people representative of us, as mainstream media was very singular and limited in its focus and scope.
Showing up precisely as oneself, as the unique and flawed person that we are, takes courage and I think, encouragement…. Encouragement from other trusted loved ones, or in some cases, when someone must have been far more confident and secure than I was – encouragement from ourselves. My self-talk was definitely not the kind that was soothing or compassionate or even motivating, but I have known some young people who were fortunate enough to have a level of assuredness and confidence, even at that young age.
"One of the most important things about being a human being is feeling like you belong. If you get signals from your parents or your classmates that you don't belong… it can really have a profound impact on your mental and physical health."
— Dr. Bruce Perry
When one decides to show up, unapologetically, there is no safety net, no other person just like us to stand beside or to blend in with. To take the risk that we may not fit in (when fitting in is a primary focus of young adults figuring out who they are, as they venture away from parents and into a tribe or group they can call their own), requires being the sort of bold that I was not. For me, to be able to embrace a bold bravery that would have me risk not being accepted, has taken me decades.
To become ourselves, and be comfortable in our own skin and with our own values, takes many of us a long, long while. It usually takes time, experience, and learning from mistakes, to feel permission to be who we are.
We realize (most of us, eventually), that we do not need to fit perfectly into anyone’s version of who they think we should be. Instead, we come to learn that the beauty is in the fact that we are different, each unique, as together we can create a mosaic of strengths and gifts and talents and perspective. We can give support and seek support. We can have our failings, because we know others’ gifts will be there to strengthen where we cannot. As Hesse said, “It is not our purpose to become each other; it is to recognize each other, to learn to see the other and honour him for what he is.” I love this quote because if we look at the parts of the word “recognize”, we see “re-cognize”, which literally means, to “understand again”. It is our job to each fully understand each other, to really see each other. We do this by listening, by being curious, by conversing, by sharing, by being vulnerable….
When someone really listens, and gives time to be with us and talk with us, and probe gently with questions, in order to re-cognize us … that, to me, is a main component of friendship.
“It is not our purpose to become each other; it is to recognize each other, to learn to see the other and honour him for what he is.” Herman Hesse
Real friendship involves this giving of time, and the willingness to recognize the other. Recognizing the elements of another and accepting them for who and what they are. That strikes me as the opposite of expecting someone to fit in.
That is the beautiful invitation to belong.
I have decided I am done with hoping to fit in. I have felt the ease of belonging and there is no going back to that excruciating and undignified effort of trying to fit in.
Have you felt that difference?
I hope you have had the exquisite experience of being truly recognized by another, of being thoroughly welcomed in by another, just as you are. Being with others who truly want to know us, feels honouring and safe. It feels safe to be vulnerable and to reveal who we are.
Belonging is very different from fitting in. Fitting in is when we attempt to be just like the others, so we can be the same. To fit in, means we need to have the correct and exact “shape”, or “size”, or “idea” or “belief” so that we can fit neatly into whatever space we are being asked to enter into.
When I think of fitting in, I think of a foot fitting into a shoe, a peg fitting into a hole, a key fitting into a lock. Belonging can include fitting in, but one can also belong without having to fit into a specific space or image.
Belonging is when we can be accepted for who we are, at our truest, most unapologetic selves. In my experience, this feeling of true belonging has happened very seldomly. When I have felt I have truly been welcomed and embraced as I am, it has been a tremendous gift.
I started to think about how I have known that I have truly belonged. I realized that besides the time, the listening, the gentle probing with questions, there has been a mutual respect and acceptance, and a shared kind of energy. Each person can speak freely. Each person’s feelings are valued and respected. Each person feels understood, or recognized – seen and known. I would even say that there is an honest and reciprocal wish for success for the other. It’s an abundance stance, not a scarcity one: one person’s success is not threatening or lessening the chance of success of another. There is no competition.
There is a commitment to each other.
“Good friends aren’t afraid of your light. They never blow out your flame and you don’t blow out theirs—even when it’s really bright and it makes you worry about your own flame. When something good happens to you, they celebrate your flame. When something good happens to them, you celebrate their flame.” Dr. Brene Brown
I felt this kind of commitment on my recent trip to Greece. I was nervous about the fact that 20 of us were going to be staying in the same two adjoining villas. My husband and I only knew 6 of the 20 people really well.
What happened was remarkable. We all just were. Maybe it worked so well because we were all kind of “vetted” by the hosts in the first place? The host couple who organized the trip, invited 18 of their closest friends (from all different parts and seasons of their lives) to join them for a week in Greece. They never thought everyone would say yes, but we all did. Every single one of the 18 people said yes. One of the hosts was my high school boyfriend and we have been very close friends ever since (well, maybe not immediately following his unceremonious dumping of me right after graduation, but after about a year or so). He and his partner were the Best Men at our wedding, and yes, you are right that there is a fun story in there for another post, for sure!
So, there we were, folks of all different ages, from all different parts of our hosts’ lives, and yet… most of us felt this immediate sense of belonging. We created some important events and rituals in the time together which connected us all and immediately had us all on equal footing and feeling free to be ourselves. Our hosts made bracelets for each of us, signaling we each had an honoured place in this friendship and belonged in this beautiful space together. The first night we told our story of how we each were connected to the pair, and each day at happy hour (two days we did things as a whole large group and the other days folks did whatever they wanted to, alone or in small, spontaneous groupings), we came together to share what our day’s adventures were and to reconnect again before our dinner together. At the final dinner, we each stood up and shared our highlights of the trip. I shared a poem that captured all of our days and goings-on, together. It was magical. Old friendships were nurtured and new friendships were sparked. The connections I made there were lasting and deep.
I would say that I have many friendships but the number of those relationships in which I feel truly known and accepted for who I am at my core, is few. I have told my husband that I often feel lonely. He is stunned by that, as he says, “How can you feel lonely when you are surrounded by all of these friends?” I think it is the sensation of feeling unseen, and not fully understood. Being truly , clearly seen is a rare occurrence for me. Is it for you? Maybe you are fortunate enough to have those deep friendships in which you feel truly recognized…. That is a precious thing.
I need to remind myself that it is through community, through experiences, like mine in Greece, that we can meet these potential friends. These chance meetings are another huge benefit of being in community. Besides the support and resources those in the community can offer, there are also the opportunities for connections, for friendships and enjoyment.
“While loneliness engenders despair and ever more isolation, togetherness raises optimism and creativity. When people feel they belong to one another, their lives are stronger, richer, and more joyful”
― Dr. Vivek Murthy
The poet and writer, Mark Nepo, in his book, “You Don’t Have To Do It Alone: The Power of Friendships”, talks about the Buddhist term: sangha. It is Sanskrit for “a circle of souls committed to each other”. He writes about how a Spanish teacher he knew, extended the term to “sangha-ma” which means, “A small circle of friends who go through a journey or pilgrimage together.”
I have some friends who I can say are part of my sangha-ma. My new Greece friends, and some friends I have had for decades. They are the ones who, when we get together, we can pick up where we left off and continue right on going. There is a trust, an ease. There is a commitment to loving and accepting each other.
On the other hand, I have been thinking about those in my life who I give my time to, but I don’t feel that invitation back, to truly be myself. There is no match of energy. There is a little bit of a push to be someone I am not, and to fit into a specific space that is not exactly me….
I am not willing to give of myself like that anymore. My time is too valuable and I want to be with others who actually welcome my misgivings, my idiosyncrasies, my temperament and also my gifts. I want a commitment to me and to who I am. I want an invitation that says, we want you here, just as you are, and we want to see you, to recognize you, to commit to you.
I know it is rare, but it is possible. I have some of these friendships.
“I feel like I belong everywhere I go, no matter where it is or who I’m with, as long as I never betray myself. And the minute I become who you want me to be in order to fit in and make sure people like me is the moment I no longer belong anywhere.” Dr. Brene Brown
I know that I cannot always rely on others to boost my spirits and to validate me. I need to learn to give that to myself, as well. I am getting better at it. Those true friendships, those sangha-ma ones – they help me remember that I am worthy just as I am. They help me like and respect myself more. Their supportive words and acceptance of me, helps me remember I am worthwhile, and this makes me enjoy my own company more and respect myself more.
In the meantime, all of us can make sure we are in community on a regular basis. If you have these committed friendships, treasure them and nurture them. If you don’t, make sure to gather sometimes. Get into the community and say hello, look up from your phone. Be curious, ask gentle questions, try to really recognize the others you are with. You might end up being recognized by others, too.
Mark Nepo says that something we can do to take friendships to a deeper level, is giving of ourselves. He says it is kind of ironic, but by giving pieces of ourselves away (such as our time, our support, our compassion, our patience, our commitment), we can enlarge ourselves. He says:
“Clearly, there are times when boundaries are necessary, but just as often, it is through these inlets of care that we discover the depth of who we truly are. Often it is through such giving that we discover what we ourselves need. And nothing draws us through these thresholds as powerfully as our love of others.”
So, finally I am seeking the ease of belonging and no longer exerting the effort to try to fit in. To belong feels easy and comfortable and energizing. I am paying attention to when I feel that way and when I do not. I hope you do that, as well. You deserve to have the commitment of real friends, and to have a sangh-ma, with whom to share in this journey of life.
🌹🌻🌸💐💚💜❤️🌼😍🥰
Thank you for this, Gayle. I've had my own journey with self and belonging, just like everyone else. When I know myself as a self, stand in and be who I am, without apology and without the need to change (for others or myself), when I can see myself, even though others may not want to or be able to, then I'm as close to freedom and as aware of my the deep interconnectedness to all things as I'll ever be.